Leprechauns
by Avalon Estel
Summary: What if Elves had St. Patrick's Day? What if they were considerably unintelligent Mirkwood Elves? And what if Legolas dragged Gimli (literally) into it? Oh, the insanity... [COMPLETE]
1. Questions and Invitations

Leprechauns 

A/N: And another holiday parody! Just in case, I will say something now. I have _nothing_ against Irish people. In any case, St. Patty's Day in ME? Boy, are they in for it…

* * *

"They're celebrating _what_?" asked Gimli. 

"St. Patrick's Day," Legolas said for the fourth time. "And you're coming with me."

"To Mirkwood?"

"No, to Greenwood," Legolas corrected. "Only evil creatures with no sympathy call it Mirkwood."

"So…Aragorn's an evil creature without sympathy?" Gimli grinned.

"Ah, that's not the point!" Legolas cried. "Stop getting off the subject! We're going to Mirkwood – "

"I thought you said _Greenwood_!" Gimli pointed out.

"I meant Greenwood! You know I did!"

"But you didn't _say_ it…"

"For crying out loud! Stop it! We're going to _Greenwood_, and you're going to show my dad that Dwarves aren't evil, and you're going to wear green!"

"Ew!" Gimli shrieked. "Green? _Green_? Green completely clashes with the red in my beard!"

Legolas blinked, then regained his composure. "You have to."

"But why?" whined the Dwarf.

"Because if you don't, they'll pinch you."

"Why?"

"Because they do! Now stop yapping and go change!" Legolas ordered.

"I'll change," muttered Gimli under his breath, "but I won't wear green."

* * *

Galadriel, Celeborn, and Haldir stepped in front of King Thranduil's throne. 

"Thank you for inviting us," said Galadriel, nodding respectfully.

"Thank you for coming!" replied Thranduil, looking insane with glee. "And happy St. Patrick's Day!"

"You, too, Your Highness," said Celeborn, forcing a smile.

They headed off to their quarters, Celeborn ahead walking with Galadriel and Haldir in the rear. Once they got out of the Great Hall, Haldir leaned over to Galadriel and whispered, "What's St. Patrick's Day?"

"Despite the fact that I am considered the wisest of all Elves, and the fact that I have foresight, and am incredibly powerful, I have _no_ idea," Galadriel said.

"Well," Haldir said, "that bodes well for our visit."

"We'll have to play that we know what it is, and just try to do our best," Celeborn said.

"I'm not good at that," Haldir said, frowning. He looked down at his tunic and held up a pendant he'd been given. It was an emerald carved in the shape of a shamrock. "And what the heck _is_ this?" he asked.

Galadriel looked at hers, gazing intently at it. A moment later, she shrugged. "Beats me."

* * *

Legolas practically dragged Gimli into the cave that was his father's palace. 

"Leave me be, you idiot Elf!" Gimli cried, struggling and wiggling. It was in vain. Legolas had a strong grip.

"You're coming with me or else!" Legolas said.

"Or else what?" Gimli ventured, his fingers digging into the stone face beside him.

"Or else I'll braid flowers into your beard!"

Gimli gasped in horror, his fingers retracting suddenly from the stone. Legolas fell over.

"You _wouldn't_!" Gimli screeched.

"I would," Legolas said, pushing the Dwarf off of him.

"Fine, I'll go," Gimli said.

As they entered the Great Hall, Gimli nudged Legolas.

The Elf-prince looked down at him. "What?"

"You wouldn't _really_, would you?"

"Nah."

Gimli threw off a stream of Dwarvish curses and stomped his foot.

As they neared the center of the hall, a collective gasp emanated from the group of Elves in the room.

Gimli and Legolas froze.

And then, one voice from the crowd shrieked, "Dear Illuvatar! It's a _leprechaun_!"


	2. The Chase Is On!

Chapter Two

Silence invaded the Great Hall. No one spoke, no one breathed, a couple of Elves froze with their fingers in the ears they'd been scratching. It was as if someone had hit the _pause _button on a remote, if such a thing were possible.

Legolas looked down at Gimli, realizing that he did resemble the descriptions of leprechauns. He laughed. "He's not a – "

He was cut off, however, as Thranduil jabbed a finger at Gimli and shouted, "Catch it! Catch it now!"

Within seconds, every Elf but Legolas began to run at the Dwarf. Gimli held his axe out and gave a Dwarven war cry, but it had no effect on the creatures, so he turned and did the one thing he could think of.

He ran as if Morgoth himself was chasing him.

The Elves stampeded out of the cave and through the trees, Thranduil pushing through them, yelling, "I'm the King! I get to catch it!" Legolas, on the other hand, was running after them, shouting for them to leave Gimli alone. No one paid any attention.

Gimli began to tire, and was running out of breath. Slowly, he lost speed and was reduced to a slow jog. Thranduil pushed himself to the front of the mob and leapt into the air, hurling himself at Gimli.

"No!" Gimli screamed, desperately trying to get away.

Thranduil steadily inched closer…closer…

_THUD!_

Elvenking landed on Dwarf.

"Ha! I got you! Now give me your gold!" Thranduil cried, sitting on Gimli's back, pinning him to the ground.

"But I don't have any gold! I'm not a leprechaun!" Gimli protested, trying to wrestle his way out of Thranduil's hold. _Strength must run through the family_, he mused dimly.

"Don't try to fool me, mischievous creature! 'Twill never work, for I am the King!" Thranduil cried pompously. "I demand you give me your gold!"

"But I don't have any!" Gimli moaned.

Just then, Legolas landed on Thranduil from the side, knocking him off of Gimli.

"Run, Gimli!" he cried, sitting on Thranduil. "Hide!"

Gimli didn't hesitate. He got up and started at a run back to the caves. In all the confusion, no one noticed.

He breathed hard, puffing as he bounded through the forest. He wouldn't have time to escape it entirely, but perhaps he could hide somewhere _inside_ the palace. If he could last the day, he'd be safe.

Or at least, he hoped he would.

* * *

Galadriel snuck out of her room after the halls had gone quiet. She peeked around the hallway before she walked out, checking to make sure the coast was clear. When she was certain it was safe, she started down the hall. 

Just then, a dark shape hurtled down the corridor and nearly ran into her. She quickly reached out and grabbed the figure, who promptly gave an earsplitting scream.

"Shh!" she hissed. "It's me! Galadriel!"

"G-Galadriel?" asked the someone. Galadriel pulled them into the light of a wall sconce.

"Gimli?" she said in surprise, partly because he was there, and partly because he looked terrified, but mostly because of the petrified, high-pitched scream he'd emitted a few moments before.

"They're coming to _get _me!" gasped Gimli breathlessly.

"Who?" asked Galadriel. Then she realized she shouldn't have. "Thranduil's people?"

Gimli nodded in silent horror.

Galadriel pulled her cloak open in the front. "Hide under here," she said.

Gimli got in front of her and faced forward, and Galadriel covered him with the cloak, holding it closed in front of her. However, it made her look as if she had a very large belly, which was a strange sight, indeed.

"Why are they chasing you?" she asked without moving her lips, demonstrating her skill in ventriloquism, which she'd studied the year before.

"They think I'm a leprechaun," said the Dwarf. He was trying to stay in step with her as they moved down the hall.

"What's a leprechaun?"

"I don't know, but whatever it is, it's supposed to give you gold if you catch it."

"Oh, now I remember! I heard about those."

Suddenly, someone grabbed Galadriel's shoulder from behind, making her scream the same way Gimli had.

"Galadriel, dear, you really _do_ need to get a grip," said her husband. "You are much, much too paranoid."

Galadriel turned slightly toward him. "You startled me, that's all."

"I'm sorry, darling." Celeborn noticed the way she was standing, and the bulge beneath her cloak. "What's wrong with you?"

"What do you mean?" asked the Elf-woman, giving him her most innocent look.

"Are you…_pregnant_?" he asked, frightened.

"Uh, nooo…" she said, trying to avoid answering.

"Oh, you _can't_ be," he said. "Don't you remember what happened when you were going to have Celebrían? I nearly had a nervous breakdown! Please say – "

"I'm _not_!" insisted Galadriel. She pulled the cloak open long enough to show him Gimli, who gave him a small smile and a wave.

"What's _he _doing here?" demanded Celeborn, suddenly indignant.

"He's hiding from Thranduil's tribe of savages," said Galadriel. "They think he's a leprechaun."

Celeborn didn't reply. He just gave a _humph_.

Galadriel sighed. "Are you still bitter about the hair thing?"

Celeborn _humphed_ again.

"Fine. Once I get a pair of scissors, I'll give you _five_ hairs. Satisfied?"

"Very," grinned Celeborn.

"Hey, how come I only got three and he gets five?" asked Gimli, poking his head out of Galadriel's cloak.

"He's my husband," Galadriel said, pushing his braided, russet head back in. "He's special."

Gimli _humphed_ that time.

Then, the sound of feet pattering across the stone hallways echoed through the corridor.

The three froze in terror of what may happen next.

* * *

Reviewer Responses: 

Super Shayde: That's the first time I've gotten a review like that from you... Thanks!

Here comes the hockey puck: Aw, thanks! I'm glad you like it, especially since you live there. It's going to get worse... One question: Do you know if they _really_ pinch you if you don't wear green?

xodevilxo: See? Continued! Glad you like it.

Kalayna: No, don't die! I'm happy you like them.

Aisha: There you go, more! And I'm glad you like it!

Erestor: Words like that from an Irish girl herself is the best approval. Thank you! I'm so glad you like it. I found that amusing about Greenwood myself, considering green equals Ireland equals St. Patrick's Day, so... I'm delighted that you liked the ending.

Jinxeh: I think so too, at times. Saw that movie (t.v. version) and I was really surprised. Never thought they could be so evil. Thank you!

Nawyn: The poor clueless Lothlorien Elves. Didn't know what they were in for... Thanks!

123456789: Well, it's your opinion. I suppose everyone has a different sense of humor. Thank you for your thoughts, in any case.

ak-stinger: Sure! I mean, why wouldn't they love something that gave them gold? And Gimli with flowers in his hair - I actually imagined that. Thank you!

Piratica: Ah, yes. So much insanity. Continued!

swee-haret179: Glad you like it!

Eowyn White Lady of Rohan: Thanks!

Malara: I loved your review! Nope, not a one-shot. I'm so happy you like it. Thanks!

A/N: Thank you for your kind words, everyone. They're greatly appreciated. If you review, please don't curse.


	3. Escape

Chapter Three

A/N: And here's the last chapter… I'm sooo tired that it's not even funny. Dead on my feet? Oh, yeah. In any case, enjoy!

* * *

An incredibly large group of Elves turned the corner of the tunnel and ran down the hallway. Galadriel pushed Gimli out from under her cloak and into the room she shared with Celeborn, slamming the door shut behind her. 

"Halt!" cried Thranduil, skidding to a stop in front of them, flinging his arms backwards to stop the crowd behind him. His breathing was ragged, his braids were undone, and his robes were dirty and creased. He advanced on Galadriel and Celeborn threateningly.

"Have you seen the leprechaun?" he demanded.

"No, not at all," said Galadriel, trying to look innocent. It must have worked, because Thranduil stood back.

"Very well, then," he said, brushing down his robes and straightening up. "Onward, troops!" he cried, and sprinted off down the hall again.

The leaders of Lothlórien stood tense and silent a moment, waiting for the Mirkwood Elves to pass. They were still quiet for a few seconds after to make sure they were gone. When the last of the footsteps died away, they relaxed and exhaled.

"Well, that went better than expected," Celeborn said, sounding relieved.

"Indeed," agreed Galadriel, slumping against the wall.

It wasn't a second later that the footsteps started again.

The two glanced at each other in terror.

And to their surprise, it was only Legolas. He ran up and stopped in front of them, bent over double and panting. They didn't know that he was on their side, though, and they stiffened.

"Do you…know…where Gimli…is?" he asked after he'd partially caught his breath.

"No!" cried Galadriel. "And if we did, we wouldn't tell you, you rabid leprechaun hunter!"

Legolas looked up at her, his expression a mix of shock, astonishment, and crazed amusement. "Lady…I'm _helping _him!" He paused. "I'm trying to, anyway."

Celeborn snorted with laughter. "Did _you_ do that to Thranduil?"

Legolas straightened up and blushed. "Yes, I'm sorry to say that I did. So, do you know where Gimli is?"

"Yeah. He's in my room," said Galadriel, opening the door and leading them inside. Gimli stood in the middle of the room, his usually ruddy face a pale white. He was trembling and making the tiny noises a horrified animal makes right before it gets killed.

"Calm down," Legolas said gently. "They're gone. We'll find some way to save you."

"This is your fault, you fool Elf!" cried Gimli, pointing at Legolas. "If you hadn't made me come, I wouldn't be in this position!"

"Now, now, Gimli. Calm down – "

"Don't do that to me!" shouted the Dwarf. "I'm not a child!"

"We know you're not!"

Galadriel patted Gimli's head. "I know where we can put you for now," she said. She opened the large cedar wardrobe that stood in the room and pointed inside.

"You want me to go in there?" asked Gimli, even more frightened than before.

"Yes," nodded the Lady.

"Me…in there?"

"_Yes_."

"Uh, Milady, I don't think that's the best idea…" began Legolas, but then there was a banging on the door, and Celeborn picked up the Dwarf and shoved him into the wardrobe.

Galadriel opened the door.

A very angry and very suspicious-looking Thranduil stood outside of it.

"Where is he?" asked the Elvenking.

"Who?" Galadriel asked, smiling prettily.

"The leprechaun! I _know_ you have it!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," said Galadriel, determined to keep up the ruse.

Haldir appeared behind Thranduil. "What's going on?" he asked.

"Nothing," lied Celeborn.

Then Thranduil saw his son. "Legolas, what are you doing in the Lord and Lady's bedchamber?" he asked reprovingly.

Gimli, meanwhile, was starting to hyperventilate. He was horribly claustrophobic, and was slowly succumbing to the hallucination that he was going to suffocate. And the smell of the cedar wasn't helping.

All the Elves were tense as they waited for Legolas to give his father an answer.

And that's when Gimli lost it.

The wardrobe began to bang and shake and wobble from side to side as the Dwarf pounded on it, his shouts muffled by the heavy robes and thick wood.

"I need him!" cried Galadriel, heaving Legolas toward the wardrobe and throwing herself against the doors, struggling to keep them closed. "We're working on a project!"

Thranduil lifted an eyebrow. "What kind of project?"

"Can't tell!" Galadriel said shrilly. "It's top secret!"

"And what in Arda is wrong with that wardrobe?" Thranduil asked.

"The equipment's in there!" she shrieked.

"What equipment?" asked Haldir.

Galadriel shot him a death glare. "You know, the _equipment_," she said meaningfully.

Haldir realized the trick. "Oh, yeah! _That _equipment!"

Thranduil shrugged. "All right, then. I'll leave you to it. You'll have to tell me all about it later, son!"

"I will, Dad!" called Legolas as Thranduil strode away.

When they were sure he was gone, Haldir hurried in and closed the door. "_What_ is going on here, Milord?" he asked Celeborn.

No one said anything as Legolas opened the wardrobe and let Gimli out. The Dwarf fell to the ground, gasping as if he'd been trapped underwater.

"They think he's a leprechaun," said Galadriel, by way of explanation.

"Oh," said the marchwarden, slightly confused.

"We're getting out of here," said the Lady. "We'll have to make a quick, clean getaway. Back under the cloak, you go, Gimli."

As the Dwarf scurried under her cloak, the others grabbed their bags. Legolas picked up Galadriel's.

"We have to be quiet as mice," she whispered. The males nodded. They started down the hallway, and by some blessing of Eru, managed to get out of the caves alive and outside, where it was raining.

And then the hunting party mobbed them.

"Where are _you_ going?" asked Thranduil. "If I recall, you are guests here."

"We just received urgent news of a terrible happening in Lothórien, and are needed at home," Celeborn said.

While the Elf-Lord crafted a credible story, one little Elf happened to be looking at the ground. And he just happened to see Lady Galadriel's feet. And he just _happened_ to notice that she had _four_ feet. His eyes widened considerably.

"Mommy!" he cried, pulling on his mother's sleeve.

"Not now, dear," she said. She brushed him off.

"But Mommy, Lady G'adriel's got _four feet_!"

Everyone looked at Galadriel.

She gave a nervous laugh.

Their glares became much more menacing.

She yanked Gimli out from in front of her, threw him at Celeborn and screamed, "Run!" Celeborn picked up Gimli and put the Dwarf on his shoulders, sprinting away. Legolas and Haldir were close behind, and once Galadriel had gathered up her skirts, she followed them. The other Elves gave chase, Thranduil in the lead.

But as they reached the border of the forest, someone cried out, "Look, everyone! A _rainbow_!"

The Elves stopped and looked to the sky. The rain had stopped, and indeed, there was a rainbow high above.

"Follow that rainbow!" shouted Thranduil. "Who needs a leprechaun's gold when you can get the pot at the end of a rainbow!" The Elves of Mirkwood then stampeded off in the direction of the rainbow's arc.

Celeborn dropped Gimli. They all stared after the hunters, mouths hanging open in shock.

"No offense, Your Majesty, but your father is insane," said Haldir.

Legolas shook his head. "I know."

"Stupid flighty Elf!" screeched Gimli, getting to his feet. He threw himself at Legolas, who landed in the mud with a loud squelching noise.

"Let's go home," Galadriel sighed. The Mirkwood Elves trudged off south, followed by Legolas' shouts as Gimli roughly yanked his braids out.

After a bit, Galadriel gave a small cry. "We left our bags! There goes my best dress!"

Celeborn looked at her. "Well, we didn't know we were going to be chased by nutcases, you know."

"No, we didn't." The Lady's shoulders slumped and she sighed again.

"How much do you think I could get for this on the black market?" asked Haldir, holding out his shamrock necklace.

"Black market?" Celeborn repeated. "You sell things on the black market?"

Haldir shrugged.

They were quite for a while, then Celeborn said, "But it was exciting."

"We almost got killed!" cried Galadriel.

"I know," grinned her husband.

"I think you're insane, too."

"Maybe," agreed Celeborn. "But you know what?"

"What?"

"I want to go again next year!"

_The End_

Happy St. Paddy's Day, all!

* * *

Reviewer Responses: 

Here comes the hockey puck: I'm glad! Yeah, Irish music is beautiful. I didn't know you played violin! That's cool! I think you should get some, though! Thank you for reading!

Kalayna: Thanks! I'm actually thinking poor all of them...

Reasonably crazy: Wow, you're back! Thank you! (takes stars) Yay, I win! And what exactly is a snerk?

Nawyn: Thank you! I always thought Celeborn would be kind of bitter about the hairs. There's your update, and I'm glad you like it.

Elf771: Yes, I'm weird... Scottish-blooded American makes sense, don't worry! My friend and I actually argue about how to pronounce "celtic". She insists it's "keltik", but I say "seltik" and tell her it goes either way! She won't give in... Wow, you want to show it to your friends? Cool! Thank you so much!

Super Shayde: Haha's are funny! Thank you. There, longer chappie. Hope you liked it!

LadyAlariel: Ah, yes, the power of weirdness. But isn't insanity so much fun? It adds spice to life, as I always say. Thank you, and I agree about Thranduil!

Knyt3-Owl: Thanks! Don't hurt yourself! You do? I'm confused now... Yay for the Irish! And everyone else!

Jinxeh: Do you really think it was ventriloquism? (Mental note: Watch Lothlorien scene again...) I feel so bad for these guys. I torture them so much. Thanks for the review!

ak-stinger: I love slapstick comedy. And the hair thing: I think Celeborn was a bit jealous. Thank you!

Erestor: Yes, maybe it cheered him up a bit. I don't think it lasted, though. I like Thranduil, too, especially when he's not being portrayed as Evil Drunkard!Thranduil. I'm quite proud of the ventriloquism line. Glad you like this. Thank you! You don't know how much I appreciate it when I get a review from you. I get all giddy... I'm so sad. But thank you again!

Faerlas: Alas, no. This is the last of it. Tomorrow's St. Patrick's Day, so it has to end. But there's always next year! Thanks!

Silver Flame of the Pheonix: Thanks! You think I'm awesome? Wow. I appreciate it. I think the whole short-Dwarf deal is the cause of it. Thanks again!

anticipationnation: There you go, continued! Thank you for putting me on your fav. authors list!

Swordchick: Glad you did, I had fun writing it. More description? Like what? Sorry I confused you, but thanks for the review!

Thank you, everyone! Your opinions are much appreciated! Thanks for reading this, and I hope you enjoyed it!


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